Unggoy
Grunts, also known as pigs, chimpanzees, gas junkies, cutie pies (To Elites) and the result of Natalie Wood and James Carryl (after sundown), are the cannon fodder of the Covenant. They are known to huff lighter fluid in their spare time as well as attending the Nipple Academy before becoming the sexually-abused soldiers of the Covenant.Like Brutes And Jackles mostly. Grunts are creatures that enjoy grunting. They do this by making noises resembling a grunt, but have been also classified under this banner due to boredom. This grunting causes them to be named Grunts. A Grunt who cannot grunt is not a grunt, but a disgruntled Human spy. A Grunt's skull has an odd tendency to explode when shot. At first, the head would explode with the force of a grenade, killing nearby friendly troops to death. In order to rectify the problem and stop having to put really, really stupid epitaphs on its troops' gravestones, The Covenant made a chemical which was then injected into the Grunts' nipples that stop them exploding so fiercely. The downside of this chemical is that it turns the Grunt's brain different colours and textures so it resembles confetti. The Grunt also gets an uncontrollable urge to shout "Yay!" in a childlike voice before dying, which can be quite annoying; the most popular theory for this ejaculation is that the chemical causes them such extreme constant pain and suffering that they are elated to be put out of their misery. History Despite seeming to be the weakest creatures in the Covenant (sentient or not), Grunts are actually the real masterminds behind the Covenant's religious crusade against everything and anything that doesn't agree with it. Controlling even the Prophets from behind the scenes, Grunts only act cowardly and weak to throw off suspicion to their Prophet scapegoats. If the Covenant decides to turn against the grunts, the grunts will whip out the Food nipple destroy the Covenant. It was, in fact, the Grunts who created the Halo installations, gave the Covenant the advanced technologies, created the wheel, gave Moses the Three Commandments(1: Shut the hell up, 2: There are no more Jolly Ranchers; they're all gone, 3: When we pass a sign please don't read it out loud),gave birth to Arnold Swartzchenegger, and were there when a god-like creature created the Universe. They promptly ate her, agreeing that she tasted mildly of strawberry with a tint of 42. They then moved in, and have spent the last 12 billion years monitoring evolution. Grunts have an average IQ of 150: easily enough to see that handing them a gun and sending them against so many heathens is a stupid way to wage war. So they don't. They sit down and enter a meditative state, meant to destroy their enemies' morale. Somehow. Unfortunately, stupid members of the Covenant and most humans mistake this for sleep. Nothing could be further from the truth... Even when they appear to run away from their attackers, they are really luring them into an ambush, for dying doesn't really kill the marvelous Grunts, which is why when you throw a grenade at their bodies they will usually flail their arms wildly in mid-flight. Some of the Less gifted grunts simply run from Spartans, as they are smarter then most Covenant, knowing to run from Chuck Norris in a can Master Chief. A little-known fact about grunts is that, due to the atmosphere of their home-world being composed always of burning marijuana, they are ALWAYS, ALWAYS high. If you were born and raised into a world where the atmosphere is marijuana, you'd be high 24 hours a day, too. Being exposed to so much, they are now high forever. Druggos everywhere are now looking for the glorious Grunt homeworld. Physiology and History Grunts are born short. They live short, they shoot short, they encompass short, which is why it is impossible to run them over with a Ghost in Halo one, much to the disappointment of their elite commanders. While the game manual seems to say they are five feet tall, most of the time, humans seem at least two feet taller. This size, coupled along with their obvious mental capabilities, begs the question "why are they even in the Covenant military?" This is because of three things. They have numbers, and breed like deranged rabbits. In addition, after nearly turning their world into a crystal ball, the Elites felt bad for them, and offered them a place in their military force. In actuality, the Elites found them to be humorous, the same way a bully finds a victim humorous, and has him do things that no one else would do, all the while claiming that they were "friends", when in reality, the bullies were laughing at the gullible pawns. Little did they know that the Prophets were doing the same thing to them. And the Grunts were doing the same thing to the Prophets (Goggles cannot protect from the acidic properties of this level of Irony). Lastly, Grunts can fully heal from a gunshot wound in about four seconds. The strange thing about Grunts is that while they are extremely strong, they rarely ever use this strength. You can see a Grunt carrying around a Fuel Rod Cannon in one arm without any effort but never punch anyone. They hide that strength away from everyone; if anyone knew, their plans for galaxy domination would be discovered and a millenia of planning would go down the drain. Also, if they hit someone, the "Legendary" description would not be suited, it had to be "more-than-suicidal". They try to make the games a little balanced by playing the role of weaklings. this strength has been shown with an immunity to AIDS and the ability to throw Plasma grenades without getting the weapons stuck in their hands and being blown into delicious little grunty pieces. According to legend, there was one grunt that revealed its strength to the three Spartans he was facing and manage to beat them in a badass sequence. Grunt Ranks Grunts come in many colours and flavours. Aside from the notorious pink "Gay pride" grunt, there are also lime "Heavy" grunts, tangy orange "Grunt minors" and blackberry "Special Operations" grunts, and many, many more, now with low/high quality protective casing to keep that tasty, tasty flesh in tip-top condition! Main Ranks *Grunt Admiral - apparent grunt major (but not) who killed 10 spartans and 50 other grunts with a single plasma pistol shot. Rumoured to be Chuck Norris' mudda, brudda, fudda and sister and raped da Prophet of Haters whilst continuosly killing the arbiturd. There may only be one at anyone time, which is why the Elites do the same with their Arbiter, because they copy everyone else. They wear armour similiar to a grunt major to avoid capture. * Grunt Ultra - Kwarsh was a Grunt Ultra, same as Bapyap. * The Psychic Grunt - The most famous Grunt in town, known for mocking Leonidas the Chief about his childhood. Only one Grunt carries this position. * Special Operations Grunt - These grunts do the "special operations" with Brutes. * Heavy Grunt - A fatter-than-usual grunt. * Grunt Major - A grunt that knows how to avoid shooting its allies. * Grunt Minor - A grunt that knows how to fire a Plasma Pistol*. * The Coward grunt - A grunt who cowered as he saw the arbiter. Yes, it's a pun. Other Ranks * Deacon - The only position where grunts can do politics in Ministry of Tranquility. * Merchant - The rank in which grunts can be rich in Food Nipple. * Kamikaze Grunt - Suicidal emo grunts. * Heretic Grunt - Traitorous grunts that got killed by Arbiter. * ''The Boss ''- Where grunts are actually in command of something rather than being ordered around like primary schoolchildren. * Villiage Idiot Grunt - the villiage idiot has an I.Q. of 40, but they have awesome powers, but there is only one per villiage. * Yo Moma * Potato Heroes Grunts have had many heroes, from the grunt that sparked the Grunt Rebellion to that one Grunt that killed thirty Spartan threes with a single fuel rod cannon shot. Grunts consider anybody who doesn't run away from a spider or water or dares to swear a hero. Unfortunately for Grunt culture, Grunts do not feel like remembering surnames, so all known Grunt heroes are as follows: * Lee - Was the first Grunt to learn Kung-Fu from the human named Bruce Lee. * Yayap - (Also remembered as Darth Yapap in the Grunt culture) was the central instrument in the destruction of the first Halo; by betraying his commanding Elite, he gave Cortana access to The Pillar of Autumn's computer systems. * Dadab - Yayap's cousin, who made first democratic contact with the arrogant humans and ate the Prophet home planet in one bite. * Kwassass - activated Grunt-made thermonuclear device and destroyed the entire elite fleet along with High Charity and fourteen planets. * Bapyap - Kwarsh's best friend. * Yapflip - Went to nipple academy with Flipyap. * Random Grunt - Provides quotes for nearly EVERYTHING; is Halo's equivalent to Oscar Wilde. * Yomal - (also called Yamal the camel) short but fat grunt that can camoflage himself in the darkness. he was banished for his betrail of gruntkind. now he lives on a small astroid, but be warned all who has gone to the astroid to kill Yomal has ended up killed and flattend. * Taters - ran away from more battles than any other grunt in history. * Jabyaber - the only Grunt to have a chocolate food nipple. To this day, he is constantly protecting it. * Gagap - The first grunt to be executed for throwing confetti. Sad, isn't it? * Flipyap - went to nipple academy with cYapflip. * Kwarsh - ruler of the grunty universe. * Jet Grunt- An Asian movie star of the present day, like Lee, he learned his skills from a human. * Poonflip- The flippiest poon ever. * Punt Grunt -The grunt Brutes use as a football. * Grunt Norris-The grunt that invented Gruntiness.(he kicked some serious ass) * The Great Gruntchaman - The grunt who did the biggest massacre in history. He is the grunt who destroyed a UNSC frigate by clapping his hands by doing so he nearly killed 1 567 789 567. 52 marines and 1000 spartans the only survivor of this massacre was the warthog guy. This guy kicks arse * Pagaga - Woke up one day to find himself covered in multicoloure d hyperlinks, and was subsequently worshipped by a small obscure religion. * Gruntie - Founded the Covenant, and therefore was awarded the honour of becoming the prefix of several words in the Gruntie language - Indeed, one of the most popular phrases for a grunt to say in battle is "Fear my grunty might!" therefore, through calling upon the spirit of Gruntie, a grunt can vanquish its opponents and become victor this fine, fine day. * GruntZilla -The biggest and shootiest lazor grunt known to grunt kind. * Dalolgag - Better known as "The final grunt". * Sapap - was the first grunt to board a ghost from a human and steal it for himself and f*%# yo momma!!! * Mappapp - an incredibly beast grunt that took out reach * Emotionally Unstable Grunt - Man, he goes to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel. * Chester cheeta-creator of cheetos * Yipyip- only grunt known to fight the MC hand-to-hand and survive * Dipshit- most retarded grunt in history * Grunter Chief- The other Master Chief wannabe. * RageGrunt- FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU * Shitdip- Dipshit's brother, but he was about as retarded as Tartarus. (That's almost impossible.) * Grunt of Truth- Prophet of Truth's sex slave. *Bob Hope- Because he's Bob Hope. *Gary Coleman (you have to admit it's a funny joke, even though he's dead) *Prophet of Mercy- was a grunt with a really bad cold & a shity Halloween costume *Pedo Grunt - Loves to molest little kiddies, but somehow while doing this he screams out "Stop molesting me!" odd because he's the one doing the molestation...surprise ghost buttsecks? *Yoda - First Jedi Grunt *Truth of Grunt - Grunt of Truth's sex slave (ironic isn't it?) *TacoWrap - A Grunt that was unfortunate, and was ground up and baked into a tortilla, where he was eaten by Truth and was thrown away, but re-materialized in front of truth and killed him.....OH YEAH BITCHES, WHAT NOW!?!? *WrapTaco - Had the same fate as TacoWrap, but Wrap Taco was eaten by Haters, and re-materialized in front of Mercy and killed his ass Combat Style Their combat style seems to be based off tireless observations of the method with which eight-year olds respond to an attacking bully: They scream and run away. Sometimes however, they throw their plasma pistols at their enemy before screaming and running away. Other times, they spit at their enemies before screaming and running away. They would also hold the plasma gernade, while active, to wait for the right moment to throw it but waited to long and blow themselves up. Their other combat style is not too bright either; it involves setting pathetic traps which never work before screaming and running away. Their traps include leaving a beam rifle on the ground, expecting a human to pick it up and shoot themselves but this plan usually fails miserably. Other than that, they use the good old classic "banana peel trick" which again never works, but instead, it attracts Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, who in return play baseball with the grunts' faces. Grunts for this reason, often see the banana peel trick unfair on their species and a waste of a banana. Grunts tend to be slaves to classic traps such as 'The bucket full of plasma perched above a door' which of course never works. They feel the need to use these traps as at birth they are forced to watch 900 hours of 'Laurel and Hardy'. It is this indocrination that makes their combat skills fail. Grunt Ships A strange Sight in the covenant navy, mainly because they suck, grunt commanded ships do exist. Their main role is to sit in the way of larger more important elite commanded ships and take fire from the humans. They also can be used for: *Flood infection tests *exploding tests *Target Practice *Crashing into things *Insurance scams *things to Distract the Master Chief with, so he doesn't kill anything important *Bases for Covenant Pirate Radio stations *God knows what other cruel things the Fuckenant does to torture the cuddly grunts. Gallery Below and to the right is a picture of how a grunt looks without its atmosphere mask. Please keep in mind that, being omnipotent beings, they have no need for them and as such the apparel is purely for cosmetic reasons. They also shop at Hooter's. Remember to say hi. 250px|left|Aaahhh!!!! Category:Cannon Fodder Category:Grunts Category:Things that kick ass Category:Featured Category:Things you shouldn't use for intercourse Category:Your Mother Category:Proof that grunts are epic.